Wednesday, 8 April 2009

No Bottle

Once again, I failed in what is on paper a relatively simple task. Telling my wife about Emma.

Every minute of each passing day I have this task impacting on my every activity.

During my 1 hour drive to work and home again, I am going through a possible dialogue in my mind endeavouring to persuade myself that this is the night that I come clean!

Since returning from my weekend in Manchester, every night we have had an “early night” despite the fact that our three daughters are currently all at home for Easter. Every night I have manoeuvred the conversation towards this goal only to falter.

Yesterday morning I even advised my wife that there was something I wanted to discuss last night, this being on the back of a brief discussion as to why she had thought I was having an affair. Even when I asked her why she thought that, she backed off completely apologising in tears as to her even mentioning this!

I am at a loss as to how to handle this situation. I know in my heart that this will not be the end of our marriage but am scared stiff that I will disappoint my wife and feel that I have let her down in some way.

I love my wife dearly but know that I cannot for my sanity lose Emma. Yet this continuing deceit is piling pressure on my every waking moment and whilst my times as Emma are a great stress relief, the current situation is countering the benefits.

I desperately want my wife to know about Emma in the hope that she can accept her and join her out and about with my good friends.

Am I being unrealistic or selfish in what I strive for? I don’t know anymore, all I know is that Emma is an integral part of my life and will not go away.

My best mate is coming around tonight for tea (his wife and daughter are away on a girly weeks’ holiday down in Cornwall) and on Saturday, my father in law and his wife are staying with us until Monday. I believe it is in the best interests to put off disclosure until after they depart.

All I have to say is:-

“You know those knickers and the cosmetics you found, well they are actually mine. I am a cross dresser.”

Oh well, therapy over for this morning – back to work.

Emma xxx

1 comment:

  1. Emma,

    The only rule I know is don't even THINK of using dutch courage. I broke the news of my TS condition to E when I was stone cold sober. I'd hate to have been drunk when I did it. The guilt afterwards would have been terrible.

    "Am I being unrealistic or selfish in what I strive for?"

    No, you are not. It sounds like right now you are hurting real bad because you're "living a lie" and believe me, the stresses from that can be literally fatal.

    In my experience that stress can also damage your marriage far more than the secret you are hiding.

    If you like you can email me via my blog, Emma.